"practice resurrection"

on sunday march thirty-first in the year of our lord two thousand and thirteen
i will walk into medstar franklin square medical center
for

there are still those who were just minding their own business when the pain started
those who were up to no good when the pain started
those whose pain is not going to just go away on its own
those who need a medicine or a surgery
or perhaps even just the right question
"do you want to get well?"

there are still those who will lie and say "yes"
those who are wandering in such deep darkness that even a flicker of light is terrifying
and there are those who are waiting only to be asked
"wilt thou be made whole?"

there is still no end to their torments, at their own hands and at the hands of others
no end to the suffocating doubts
no end to even the minute and banal pain that just needs two aspirin and a smile
no end to the pain that is not even extinguished at death
no end to the sicknesses we cannot control
no end to the sicknesses we can
no end to my own capacity to harm myself and others

...yet.

song post #9: "queen of sheba"

I have been writing songs lately, though not as many as I'd hope. And they're still taking time to flesh out the way that I want. This song, however, is probably never going to sound any better than this, which mostly has Jon, Mike, Tim, Peter, & Ellen (drums, bass, acoustic guitar, and vocals respectively) to thank for it. It is a live version from our beloved Memorial Day Show (link goes to zip file of the entire concert.) I hope you enjoy it.

contrast and compare

According to a security guard at work, I apparently look a lot like this guy. I seriously cannot walk by without being reminded of this. Judge for yourself!



 
 VS.












the part is definitely going the wrong way.

and then, BONUS COMPARISON: 

Successful, good-looking, thoroughly bearded singer-songwriter

















  Future successful, good-looking, thoroughly bearded singer-songwriter

song post #8-- "1967 rebel"

a good number of you have heard my song "1967 rebel" over the years, and if you haven't now is your chance. This is a live version from the house show that Nick Flora did back in November. For those who are wondering, it is safe for little ears (which it wasn't about to be, but then I realized halfway through the song that there people there that didn't know and didn't want to accidentally hurt the feelings of.

1967 Rebel

my brief opinion on how to be a good intern, for anyone wondering

1. Just write the damn note. The time spent trying to get out of doing it probably isn't worth it.

2. Do unto others, especially your fellow doctors-- but this also extends to nurses, techs, other hospital staff, and even patients.

3. Pay attention-- it's easy to get overwhelmed by the number of details you'll hear that are unnecessary, but often there are gems for listening closely.

4. Listen, then speak.

5. Tell a story-- don't just regurgitate information.

6. Help the nurses and support staff-- this is kind of like #2, but more specific. There's no law that says that you can't change a bedpan or help a patient out of bed.

7. Ask why if you don't understand. I'm really bad at this one.

8. Ask for help if you need it.

9. Stand up for your patients. Sometimes you might be the only one to do it.

10. Listen to people who are standing up for your patients. Sometimes you might be tempted to ignore complaints or concerns. You may be right in doing so, but it never hurts to double-check.

follow-up: what is an autoimmune neutropenia, anyway?

I realize that for folks who read my previous post about my low white blood cell count, there is still perhaps some mystery about what's going on (especially if you're not friends on facebook or twitter or whatever.) Or if the whole subject is just still confusing for you and you're too polite to ask me directly, here's what's going on!

I have a specific deficiency of one particular variety of white blood cells called neutrophils. My bone marrow biopsy did turn out to be negative, which of course was a huge relief. However, that simply ruled out any problems in the bone marrow, that is, it is clear that the deficiency was not a problem with producing new neutrophils as much as it was a problem with neutrophils dying or being destroyed. The first possibility is almost certainly ruled out by normal neutrophil counts before, the latter is the diagnosis that we've rested on.

What would destroy these poor, innocent neutrophils? Well, without going into the fascinating world of immunology too deeply, I will briefly say that sometimes other parts of the human immune system get confused and think that your own cells are invaders. This is called "autoimmune disease" and it's the phenomenon responsible for lupus, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, immune thrombocytopenic purpura (what I had last year), and, apparently, what's going on now. My Absolute Neutrophil Count (which they figure out by counting how many neutrophils they can see on a sample of my blood) has been in the "severely low" range for a while. Any particular reason for why this happened is pretty much unknown; sometimes this can happen after a viral infection when a pumped-up immune system confuses something in your body with the virus.

My counts have been up and down the last few weeks, and because technically that means I'm more at risk for infection, I haven't been allowed to see patients. We've tried a few things to treat it; nothing has really worked. Fortunately, though, things are coming back a little, so I'm allowed to see patients again!

Thanks to all who have been praying for me through this or have sent me notes of encouragement. I'm really thankful for y'all and I am so glad that I didn't actually get sick while I was at this "severely low" neutrophil count. Hopefully that updates you appropriately?

in response to "john brown's body"

Graham Andrews is a gentleman and a scholar, and I was gonna write a long facebook comment but just decided to make it a blog post of my own in response to his rather thoughtful post, "John Brown's Body."

So, here's my thoughts: violent revolutions and wars to correct injustice have been happening since as long as we could figure out that if Urg stole our goat, we could take a rock to his head (unsurprisingly, we all learn this behavior without much guidance around age 2.) They are usually unsuccessful in achieving their desired aim. I know you're obsessed with the glory of violent revolution to the point that you have to change your pants when you spend too time thinking about it, but I don't think that violent revolution has an awful lot of show for itself. Most violent revolutions create societies that are not particularly more just than their predecessors (America 1776, France 1793, Cuba 1959, Iran 1979, etc.)

Even the Civil War, which, as you noted at the beginning, was in some senses just retribution for the horrors of slavery and crucial turning point in achieving justice, was still not particularly effective in actually changing the economic or social situation for a lot of African-Americans. That took the Civil Rights Movement, which was a militant, fire-breathing, Bible-thumping group of preachers & political agitators who wouldn't take no shit from nobody. And they also wouldn't fight back. I'm sure there's some pithy quote from Martin Luther King Jr. about nonviolence and justice that's appropriate to squeeze in here, but I think it's fair to say that the most lasting change for justice tends to come from the long, slow, hard work of sacrificing yourself and the needs of your community for the needs of another whilst defiantly and militantly defaming the lies of the overlords who try to keep you in line.

In a world where every ideologue is waving guns and money and power around trying to prove that their dick is bigger, laying all of those things down for the good of others (in a way that actually disadvantages yourself) is the only truly radical thing left to do. It may be loving, every now and then, to kill someone else in order to save a few people (John Brown is a particularly controversial example.) What is definitely loving, though, is spending your whole life dying for other people. It takes a lot of people doing this to change a society, but it has happened. I see it in Sandtown every day, and I think that sort of ethic has done far more for folks in my neighborhood than years of people doing good from a distance. John M Perkins is another great example, as is this dude, who is pretty hilarious to listen to even if you totally disagree with him.

There's obviously a lot of human failure and selfishness that stands in the way of this. You and I both know the dismal record that people have with helping others or sacrificing anything for anyone else. That's why Jesus is important-- He suffered the greatest injustice so that those of us who act unjustly could be called just, and those of us who suffer injustice can be restored and reconciled. As Tim Keller says, "So the gospel has got enormous social justice ramifications. It’s there, in Luke 1: 'He has brought down rulers from their thrones, but has lifted up the humble.'" And that sort of change-- not forced by some revolutionary gun, but by a tremendous, deep inner transformation-- lasts and endures, even to death. You mentioned in your post about how John Brown loved black people enough to kill some slaveowners. But "greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." The greatest revolution in history took place when a peasant king got lynched-- and then lived to tell about it.

If you're ever curious to see this in action, I'd invite you to come visit New Song, where people are doing the slow, humble, militant work of loving people every day. Come on the first Sunday of the month so even if it's a total drag and you can't even write an incisive blog post about it later, you can at least get some good fried chicken and curry.