My renin-angiotensin-aldosterone system is out of whack or something. Or maybe it's just the winter. I wake up with dry skin and dry mouth just about every night, and I just need to keep a water bottle by my bed so I can gulp down a liter of water throughout the night.
Tonight I wandered out to Taksim Square-- we'd had quite a lot of buildup about it from the expats we're staying with about the drunken revelry we'd be seeing out there. I fully expected to have to fight for my life to escape after a loud countdown to the new year and many illegal explosives. Pretty much none of those things happened-- it was just kind of busier than usual, and then people cheered a little after counting down the last 3 seconds. A few fireworks went off in the distance. Alex described it as "very UMBC."
The last two days have been quite busy-- we've been running around hitting up a lot of the tourist sites like the Hagia Sophia and the Grand Bazaar. I found a few things for my little sisters, but nothing for my brothers. Oh, well-- it's just past Christmas, so hopefully no one will notice. We also got to see the church where the Council of Chalcedon met, visited a sweet archaeological museum, and took a ferry ride over to the Asian side.
Tomorrow I'm heading down to Izmir, and then hopefully from there I can arrange a day trip to Ephesus before leaving on Saturday. I still don't have exact plans for my overnight stay in London, but I hear you can see plays for pretty cheap on the South Banks, so I'm going to give that a try. After that, I shall return exhausted just in time for school to start on Monday!
I guess this is the point at which I would write some reflections about 2008 or how I'm looking forward to 2009 or some garbage like that. And I still have a lot of figuring out about 2008 to do, so I don't think I'm going to bother here, because it would probably just be a repeat of a lot of other things I've said before. I came to Turkey hoping that I would satiate my wanderlust temporarily and briefly get a break from all the things that have been wearing me down the last few weeks as I got some space to come back to the rest of my life reinvigorated to fight. I accomplished the former, but not the latter. I guess you take your problems with you wherever you go. Especially torsade de pointes, it seems. If it beats irregularly within your heart, how could it not?
In any case, God has been here with me in Turkey, too, and teaching me the same lessons over and over. John Piper's recent messages on Job have been quite helpful, though it always feels awkward listening to them when I am constantly reminding myself that I'm not actually suffering all that much now and that life is still very, very good for many reasons (and in case you were wondering, many of those reasons are those of you reading this blog.)
So I'm not really "suffering" too bad so much. I'm just in a dry place. Waking up in the middle of the night dry and desperate, and that's just where I'll be for a while. I'm digging in my roots as deep as possible and taking in as much of the Living Water as I can. I hope that you, dear reader, are too. I know of nothing else that really satisfies.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
so, let's see:
about all that I can come up with at the moment is a litany of what we've been up to lately. haven't hit up a lot of the touristy stuff yet, although I have taken some pictures that'll be up on facebook eventually. We climbed Galata Tower and took some shots, but unfortunately it started snowing really hard just as we got up there. So they were not great pictures with all the snow flying around. Tomorrow we'll be hitting up the big mosques, palaces, and bazaars.
But yeah. Yesterday-- Sunday-- was really awesome because we went to the international church and met people from all over the world-- Slovakia, Turkey (obviously), Iran, the US, the UK, and even Madagascar. We played foosball & billiards with them and maybe we'll figure out something fun to do with them on New Year's. We'll see. I'm having a great time with Alex, Paul, and all the other cool expats that we're staying with. It's been a great first half of the trip and I can't wait to see what's in store for the second half.
about all that I can come up with at the moment is a litany of what we've been up to lately. haven't hit up a lot of the touristy stuff yet, although I have taken some pictures that'll be up on facebook eventually. We climbed Galata Tower and took some shots, but unfortunately it started snowing really hard just as we got up there. So they were not great pictures with all the snow flying around. Tomorrow we'll be hitting up the big mosques, palaces, and bazaars.
But yeah. Yesterday-- Sunday-- was really awesome because we went to the international church and met people from all over the world-- Slovakia, Turkey (obviously), Iran, the US, the UK, and even Madagascar. We played foosball & billiards with them and maybe we'll figure out something fun to do with them on New Year's. We'll see. I'm having a great time with Alex, Paul, and all the other cool expats that we're staying with. It's been a great first half of the trip and I can't wait to see what's in store for the second half.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
the whores all seem to love him and the drunks propose a toast
dang.
today was pretty awesome-- wandered into church and found ourselves hanging out with fellow believers from Turkey, Iran, Madagascar, the UK, the US, the Philippines, Romania, Slovakia, and who knows where else.
the fellowship of believers is fascinating and beautiful.
more later. miss you all.
today was pretty awesome-- wandered into church and found ourselves hanging out with fellow believers from Turkey, Iran, Madagascar, the UK, the US, the Philippines, Romania, Slovakia, and who knows where else.
the fellowship of believers is fascinating and beautiful.
more later. miss you all.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
having fun in London & arriving in Istanbul
well, um, we made it! Alex & I left Christmas night around 9pm EST, touched down 9am GMT, and procedeed to explore London during our short layover. Everything was either too expensive (Westminster Abbey) or closed (the British Museum) or too far away for us to reach (Mornington Crescent Underground Station), so mostly we ended up wandering around and then having an Old Peculier ale, which was grand if I may say so myself.
After that, we flew to Istanbul and then spent 15 minutes trying to find a real pay phone. We then spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to operate it (it was a credit card machine with a computer screen giving you instructions... in Turkish. 10 of the 15 minutes were spent figuring out how to press the "L" button to get the instructions in English.) We then came to an apartment here at Bilgis University, where our friend Paul made a friend on couchsurfing.com to find us a place. We're mostly hanging out with expats who teach here at the university so far, meaning that Alex is as pleased as punch (as this is pretty much exactly what he wants to do when he's all grown up, only probably involving a little more interaction with Turks and less with just other exapts.) I'm having fun, too, although when I go to meet this sweet luthier who makes guitars and fidlles out of table legs and the like I imagine I'll probably be having more fun. Pictures, terrible video, and more are forthcoming-- looks like we'll have pretty reliable internet while we're here in Istanbul anyway.
And I feel like mentioning that right now, at 3:42AM here, it's 8:42PM back home. And 7:42PM somewhere else, somewhere that I can't get out of my mind on today of all days. And that's all I'll say about that, although I guess you can praying for me about that if you'd like.
After that, we flew to Istanbul and then spent 15 minutes trying to find a real pay phone. We then spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to operate it (it was a credit card machine with a computer screen giving you instructions... in Turkish. 10 of the 15 minutes were spent figuring out how to press the "L" button to get the instructions in English.) We then came to an apartment here at Bilgis University, where our friend Paul made a friend on couchsurfing.com to find us a place. We're mostly hanging out with expats who teach here at the university so far, meaning that Alex is as pleased as punch (as this is pretty much exactly what he wants to do when he's all grown up, only probably involving a little more interaction with Turks and less with just other exapts.) I'm having fun, too, although when I go to meet this sweet luthier who makes guitars and fidlles out of table legs and the like I imagine I'll probably be having more fun. Pictures, terrible video, and more are forthcoming-- looks like we'll have pretty reliable internet while we're here in Istanbul anyway.
And I feel like mentioning that right now, at 3:42AM here, it's 8:42PM back home. And 7:42PM somewhere else, somewhere that I can't get out of my mind on today of all days. And that's all I'll say about that, although I guess you can praying for me about that if you'd like.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
santa vs. jesus
So I read this article today, and it really rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't so much the fact that the author was gleefully celebrating a Christless Christmas (plenty of Christians do that, I know that for many years I definitely wasn't excited about Christmas because of the renewed opportunity to contemplate the fact that the Savior of the world and our Lord was born in a barn among "shit and straw" as Bono says.) And I'm sure that there are things that Jesus is angrier about than the fact that the pagan holiday we stole to celebrate His birth was stolen back by the damn pagans and they've decided to leave Him out of the festivities entirely. No, I think it was the values they've decided to replace Him with.
I was stuck on what I was going for, and then I found this great video from John Piper wherein he talks about Santa and Jesus. And I think he's really on to something there.
From the article: "Santa doesn't check church attendance to decide whether he's going to give a child a present—he checks whether she's been naughty or nice. He's the perfect secular judge of moral fiber."
Here's the real War on Christmas: Replacing the Gospel of grace with a vaguely benevolent Santa Claus, who rewards the good little boys & girls and then he punishes the bad little boys & girls. But how good (or bad) do you have to be to please Santa? How does he decide between the good and bad, when each one runs through everyone's heart? Do we really want a perfect secular judge of moral fiber? If so, by whose standards would he operate?
One of the reasons why I love nihilist art like Watchmen or Fight Club (or Calvin and Hobbes, for that matter) is how it shows us that no one is really good. At the end of the day, we have to face the fact that if Santa really only brings presents to the good little kids, we're all getting coal. Or, as Solzhenitsyn says, "If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
The Christmas story tells that God was willing. He was born in absolute poverty and humiliation to us on the first Christmas, trading His glory for our shame. He eventually took this to its completion on the Cross, and there God the Father was cut through His heart as He condemned His Son for our sins. And so we no longer have to fret over whether we've been been naughty or nice-- rather, we can humbly admit the truth and know that God will always extend His greatest gift to us regardless of how good we've been all year.
I was stuck on what I was going for, and then I found this great video from John Piper wherein he talks about Santa and Jesus. And I think he's really on to something there.
From the article: "Santa doesn't check church attendance to decide whether he's going to give a child a present—he checks whether she's been naughty or nice. He's the perfect secular judge of moral fiber."
Here's the real War on Christmas: Replacing the Gospel of grace with a vaguely benevolent Santa Claus, who rewards the good little boys & girls and then he punishes the bad little boys & girls. But how good (or bad) do you have to be to please Santa? How does he decide between the good and bad, when each one runs through everyone's heart? Do we really want a perfect secular judge of moral fiber? If so, by whose standards would he operate?
One of the reasons why I love nihilist art like Watchmen or Fight Club (or Calvin and Hobbes, for that matter) is how it shows us that no one is really good. At the end of the day, we have to face the fact that if Santa really only brings presents to the good little kids, we're all getting coal. Or, as Solzhenitsyn says, "If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
The Christmas story tells that God was willing. He was born in absolute poverty and humiliation to us on the first Christmas, trading His glory for our shame. He eventually took this to its completion on the Cross, and there God the Father was cut through His heart as He condemned His Son for our sins. And so we no longer have to fret over whether we've been been naughty or nice-- rather, we can humbly admit the truth and know that God will always extend His greatest gift to us regardless of how good we've been all year.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
from Tim Keller, "To An Unknown God"
"What is this argument? It's extremely important to Paul-- "Proof!", he says. Here it is: If Jesus Christ was raised from the dead, declaring Himself to be the Son of God, then you realize it doesn't matter if you understand why God allows evil and suffering in the world. It doesn't matter if you don't understand what happens to all the people who die not knowing about Jesus. It doesn't really matter that Christianity doesn't work for you, or that you've been turned off by so many hypocrites. It doesn't really matter that Christianity seems to ask of you things that don't really fit in with your deepest desires and wishes. It doesn't matter what you feel, it doesn't matter whether it works for you, it doesn't matter whether you have all the answers or not-- if He's standing there risen, you've got to believe in Him! You can drop all your problems, drop all your objections, all the things that bother you about Christianity. Did He rise from the dead? If so, you have to submit to Him and believe in Him. Now some of you will say, 'I'm not sure that I do believe in the Resurrection.' And that's fine, but you have to have a historically possible alternative explanation for how the Christian church started. The Church lived in a time where the two worldviews-- the Greek worldview and the Hebrew worldview-- were so utterly opposed to the very idea of a physical resurrection [...] nobody could imagine a personal resurrection in the middle of history with all the rest of death & destruction going on. There were tons of messiah types around Jesus' time, and no one ever breathed the idea of resurrection about any of them-- why? Because it wouldn't have occurred to anybody. Because it was unthinkable and absurd. [...] You have to account for the fact that immediately after His death, hundreds of followers claimed to have seen Him-- dozen of times to hundreds of time. It happened overnight, and they spent the rest of their lives proclaiming it and dying for it. You have to explain then, a historically possible alternative explanation. Go ahead and try."
Saturday, December 20, 2008
you'd think after 22 years i'd be used to the spin
wow.
last night was wonderful.
i continue to suck at abiding in Jesus.
but still He has been very, very good to me.
the older i get, the more that i realize this.
especially in regards to the awesome friends and family that bless me with their love (both of the phileo and agape sort, although a little eros wouldn't hurt in a few months or years.)
so thanks everyone, you've been too good to me. especially i'm obnoxious or awkward or talk too much or whatever. i've got a long way to go, but God has been very good to me through you.
now it's back to work for this test on monday...
last night was wonderful.
i continue to suck at abiding in Jesus.
but still He has been very, very good to me.
the older i get, the more that i realize this.
especially in regards to the awesome friends and family that bless me with their love (both of the phileo and agape sort, although a little eros wouldn't hurt in a few months or years.)
so thanks everyone, you've been too good to me. especially i'm obnoxious or awkward or talk too much or whatever. i've got a long way to go, but God has been very good to me through you.
now it's back to work for this test on monday...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
i've got a really good heart. i just can't catch a break.
i think that i persist under the delusion that if the circumstances around me were a little different, i would:
-sin less (specifically, i would not be as lazy, lustful, or proud)
-be friendlier to my neighbors
-be more social-justice-y and serve the poor more often
-study harder
-waste less time
-be more in control of my thoughts & emotions
-practice spiritual disciplines more frequently & fervently
-be more generous
-do more about the gazillion different causes that i'm aware of
-share the Gospel with friends
-be less selfish
-do more creative things (playing & composing music, writing poetry, essays, etc.)
this is just a partial list i came up with while avoiding studying for this huge cardiology test on Monday. i'm sure that you guys can think of more.
just about the only thing that i'm convinced that isn't dependent on my circumstances is my social awkwardness. i feel incredibly powerless over that, though, and a cute girl once told me it's endearing. so as embarassing as it can be for me and as awkward as it can be for my friends, i'm just going to roll with it.
related to this is the "My life will finally begin when I finish school/finish residency/get a job/get married/get on the mission field" syndrome. but they are also different. perhaps this will be the subject of a later post, when i'm a little better at using my time so i have time for more substantial blogging.
-sin less (specifically, i would not be as lazy, lustful, or proud)
-be friendlier to my neighbors
-be more social-justice-y and serve the poor more often
-study harder
-waste less time
-be more in control of my thoughts & emotions
-practice spiritual disciplines more frequently & fervently
-be more generous
-do more about the gazillion different causes that i'm aware of
-share the Gospel with friends
-be less selfish
-do more creative things (playing & composing music, writing poetry, essays, etc.)
this is just a partial list i came up with while avoiding studying for this huge cardiology test on Monday. i'm sure that you guys can think of more.
just about the only thing that i'm convinced that isn't dependent on my circumstances is my social awkwardness. i feel incredibly powerless over that, though, and a cute girl once told me it's endearing. so as embarassing as it can be for me and as awkward as it can be for my friends, i'm just going to roll with it.
related to this is the "My life will finally begin when I finish school/finish residency/get a job/get married/get on the mission field" syndrome. but they are also different. perhaps this will be the subject of a later post, when i'm a little better at using my time so i have time for more substantial blogging.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
"Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."
man, i love Watchmen.
...but I totally don't get the whole "Nostalgia" thing. In rereading it this past week, I saw that in just about every chapter-- but I don't understand the symbolism at all.
Also, I noticed (and maybe this is just an Alan Moore thing) that The Comedian is very similar, philosophically, to The Joker. What is the philosophical significance of jokes, clowns, comedians, etc.?
...but I totally don't get the whole "Nostalgia" thing. In rereading it this past week, I saw that in just about every chapter-- but I don't understand the symbolism at all.
Also, I noticed (and maybe this is just an Alan Moore thing) that The Comedian is very similar, philosophically, to The Joker. What is the philosophical significance of jokes, clowns, comedians, etc.?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
i could be anything, nothing, whatever, oh well
...so that last post actually wasn't anything like Mr. Gaultney or Mr. Adams. Sorry for the false warning. It could still be coming, though.
y'all can feel free to let me know when i'm pushing it, by the way. we wouldn't want to have anything like the days of the ol' xanga.
y'all can feel free to let me know when i'm pushing it, by the way. we wouldn't want to have anything like the days of the ol' xanga.
i have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work
Tim wrote a great post about following Jesus, and I guess I had a few spinoff thoughts.
My blogging style is now being informed by Life is Like an Analogy and Foggy more than anything else. So look out-- when I feel like I'm self-aware that my blogging sucks, I'm more apt to say dumb things. Because somehow awareness makes everything better?
I've been wondering about that lately. I took a little break from computer surfing (I didn't last long before I cracked, maybe if I hadn't quit all my other vices simultaneously I could have held up) and now I have 100+ unread articles in my RSS reader. Most of them I wouldn't read anyway; I'm subscribed to a lot of prolific blogs on Christian persecution, world events, etc. etc. mostly to catch the few interesting things that I haven't heard before about those parts of the world and to raise my own "awareness."
But getting my own awareness of different situations raised hasn't produced a big change in my life. I haven't become an ascetic, voted differently, or even lived a whole lot differently since learning about the slaughter, rape, and oppression of innocent human beings in Zimbabwe, D.R. Congo, or Sudan. In fact, being barraged with information about these situations (and others) hasn't done a lot to change my lifestyle. I can't really change my future goals; I'm already pretty much dead-set on medical missions in the place that needs me the most.
Awareness of the Law hasn't helped me a whole whole lot, either. I've known since I was 13 that I shouldn't be lustful, lazy, or proud. Yet the older I get, the only thing that has changed since I was 13 is that I'm more aware of how often I commit those sins (and others.)
What has changed me is knowing Jesus and experiencing His faithfulness. When I went to Africa and saw other people walking faithfully with Him and giving up the lives they could have had to serve others in His name, that shook me to the core about how I ought to live. When I suffer through a long night desperate for some kind of chemical shock to deal with whatever's ailing me at the moment (internally or externally induced), I can trust Him and know His peace. When I read His Word or hear it preached (through this dude or that dude especially), I find myself understanding myself and my world better.
I read a great interview with Ron Sider back in January and he talked about knowing Jesus. And that's about all I have to say tonight.
Spurgeon says:
[Paul] not only believed in Christ's death, and trusted in it, but he actually felt its power in himself in causing the crucifixion of his old corrupt nature. When he saw the pleasures of sin, he said, "I cannot enjoy these: I am dead to them." Such is the experience of every true Christian. Having received Christ, he is to this world as one who is utterly dead. Yet, while conscious of death to the world, he can, at the same time, exclaim with the apostle, "Nevertheless I live." He is fully alive unto God. The Christian's life is a matchless riddle. No worldling can comprehend it; even the believer himself cannot understand it. Dead, yet alive! crucified with Christ, and yet at the same time risen with Christ in newness of life! Union with the suffering, bleeding Saviour, and death to the world and sin, are soul-cheering things. O for more enjoyment of them!
My blogging style is now being informed by Life is Like an Analogy and Foggy more than anything else. So look out-- when I feel like I'm self-aware that my blogging sucks, I'm more apt to say dumb things. Because somehow awareness makes everything better?
I've been wondering about that lately. I took a little break from computer surfing (I didn't last long before I cracked, maybe if I hadn't quit all my other vices simultaneously I could have held up) and now I have 100+ unread articles in my RSS reader. Most of them I wouldn't read anyway; I'm subscribed to a lot of prolific blogs on Christian persecution, world events, etc. etc. mostly to catch the few interesting things that I haven't heard before about those parts of the world and to raise my own "awareness."
But getting my own awareness of different situations raised hasn't produced a big change in my life. I haven't become an ascetic, voted differently, or even lived a whole lot differently since learning about the slaughter, rape, and oppression of innocent human beings in Zimbabwe, D.R. Congo, or Sudan. In fact, being barraged with information about these situations (and others) hasn't done a lot to change my lifestyle. I can't really change my future goals; I'm already pretty much dead-set on medical missions in the place that needs me the most.
Awareness of the Law hasn't helped me a whole whole lot, either. I've known since I was 13 that I shouldn't be lustful, lazy, or proud. Yet the older I get, the only thing that has changed since I was 13 is that I'm more aware of how often I commit those sins (and others.)
What has changed me is knowing Jesus and experiencing His faithfulness. When I went to Africa and saw other people walking faithfully with Him and giving up the lives they could have had to serve others in His name, that shook me to the core about how I ought to live. When I suffer through a long night desperate for some kind of chemical shock to deal with whatever's ailing me at the moment (internally or externally induced), I can trust Him and know His peace. When I read His Word or hear it preached (through this dude or that dude especially), I find myself understanding myself and my world better.
I read a great interview with Ron Sider back in January and he talked about knowing Jesus. And that's about all I have to say tonight.
Spurgeon says:
[Paul] not only believed in Christ's death, and trusted in it, but he actually felt its power in himself in causing the crucifixion of his old corrupt nature. When he saw the pleasures of sin, he said, "I cannot enjoy these: I am dead to them." Such is the experience of every true Christian. Having received Christ, he is to this world as one who is utterly dead. Yet, while conscious of death to the world, he can, at the same time, exclaim with the apostle, "Nevertheless I live." He is fully alive unto God. The Christian's life is a matchless riddle. No worldling can comprehend it; even the believer himself cannot understand it. Dead, yet alive! crucified with Christ, and yet at the same time risen with Christ in newness of life! Union with the suffering, bleeding Saviour, and death to the world and sin, are soul-cheering things. O for more enjoyment of them!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
found at the library today:
Emmylou Harris: Spyboy, Profile, and All I Intended To Be
Feist: The Reminder
Death Cab for Cutie: Plans
Cheap Trick: The Essential Cheap Trick
KT Tunstall: Drastic Fantastic
Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell
I grew up cleaning the house to the lattermost CD, as it is my mother's all-time favorite (or is that Black Sabbath's self-titled? I'm never really sure. Either, she can recite all the lyrics to both from memory.)
This was not nearly as awesome as last time, when I found Johnny Cash's American I and American IV CDs.
Thank you, Harford County taxpayers!
Feist: The Reminder
Death Cab for Cutie: Plans
Cheap Trick: The Essential Cheap Trick
KT Tunstall: Drastic Fantastic
Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell
I grew up cleaning the house to the lattermost CD, as it is my mother's all-time favorite (or is that Black Sabbath's self-titled? I'm never really sure. Either, she can recite all the lyrics to both from memory.)
This was not nearly as awesome as last time, when I found Johnny Cash's American I and American IV CDs.
Thank you, Harford County taxpayers!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
on being me
man, I'm so glad that untied this from Facebook. Now there will be 13 people (that's the number of RSS subscribers) seeing it instead of 300+, and so I can feel just a little more free.
I have gotten three parking tickets since moving to my new house. This isn't too bad; I've been here 15 weeks and I have to move my car at least twice a week to avoid a ticket. So right now I've got roughly a 90% success rate, which is pretty darn good. Better than my medical school average by far.
On being me, part 2: The other night Alex and I were having a deep philosophical discussion. It had started out as a specific accountabilitime about a specific young woman, but somehow it morphed into a discussion about morality & the nature of God centered around one of Graham's recent posts. You have no idea how often this happens in our house.
Alex asked me a question, and it was a good one. I stood there and pondered for a few minutes, scratching my head and thinking hard. I started to speak a few times, then stopped myself to cogitate some more before coming up with an answer. Finally, Alex interrupted me.
"Matthew, your fly is down."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess it is. Thanks."
I have gotten three parking tickets since moving to my new house. This isn't too bad; I've been here 15 weeks and I have to move my car at least twice a week to avoid a ticket. So right now I've got roughly a 90% success rate, which is pretty darn good. Better than my medical school average by far.
On being me, part 2: The other night Alex and I were having a deep philosophical discussion. It had started out as a specific accountabilitime about a specific young woman, but somehow it morphed into a discussion about morality & the nature of God centered around one of Graham's recent posts. You have no idea how often this happens in our house.
Alex asked me a question, and it was a good one. I stood there and pondered for a few minutes, scratching my head and thinking hard. I started to speak a few times, then stopped myself to cogitate some more before coming up with an answer. Finally, Alex interrupted me.
"Matthew, your fly is down."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess it is. Thanks."
which one breaks a window
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I drew a rough sketch of this graph in my journal today. Anyone who can guess what the x and y axes of this graph are gets all the beer left in my fridge. hint is in the post title.
HT: Create A Graph
Monday, December 8, 2008
there is a line that must be walked
I went to a lunch talk today by the Baltimore City Health Department's Needle Exchange Program and STAR. You can read more about these outreaches in this story.
The work itself is fascinating and (of course) controversial-- harm reduction work is not exactly glamorous, and successes are often measured in terms of overall health statistics and the program leaders that were there today admitted that they don't often see a lot of people totally escape. Even those that make it to treatment more than once (and even that in and of itself is tough with the limited number of free spots in treatment.) More about the complicated issues around harm reduction programs can be found in this excellent City Paper feature.
The curious thing that stuck out to me about the session today was how many times that the speakers talked about the power of "relationships" with clients. This is a term that, oddly enough, I have rarely heard outside of an evangelistic/missions context; even when building relationships with patients is discussed as a positive or negative attribute of different specialties (e.g. family practice vs. emergency medicine), it's mentioned more as an incidental benefit for people who like that sort of thing. But the needle-exchange people get it-- as one of the speakers said, "Coffee goes a long way." Perhaps some churches could do to learn this.
The power of building relationships and trust with people that you're trying to trust is an intriguing theme and I have no idea what to make of it. Maybe I'm just writing because the juxtaposition of a frank, sober public health program with strong relational language was weird for me and I'm trying to shake it off. Maybe the theme of addiction hits home harder than I'd like it to. I don't know, but I do know that relationships are good, and they have been more meaningful to me than anything else in my battles over the years. Especially my relationship with Jesus, ever faithful and patient to me. Just letting me and other sinners live is harm reduction almost incomparable with needle exchange or condom distribution, but His love goes far beyond that to save me.
The work itself is fascinating and (of course) controversial-- harm reduction work is not exactly glamorous, and successes are often measured in terms of overall health statistics and the program leaders that were there today admitted that they don't often see a lot of people totally escape. Even those that make it to treatment more than once (and even that in and of itself is tough with the limited number of free spots in treatment.) More about the complicated issues around harm reduction programs can be found in this excellent City Paper feature.
The curious thing that stuck out to me about the session today was how many times that the speakers talked about the power of "relationships" with clients. This is a term that, oddly enough, I have rarely heard outside of an evangelistic/missions context; even when building relationships with patients is discussed as a positive or negative attribute of different specialties (e.g. family practice vs. emergency medicine), it's mentioned more as an incidental benefit for people who like that sort of thing. But the needle-exchange people get it-- as one of the speakers said, "Coffee goes a long way." Perhaps some churches could do to learn this.
The power of building relationships and trust with people that you're trying to trust is an intriguing theme and I have no idea what to make of it. Maybe I'm just writing because the juxtaposition of a frank, sober public health program with strong relational language was weird for me and I'm trying to shake it off. Maybe the theme of addiction hits home harder than I'd like it to. I don't know, but I do know that relationships are good, and they have been more meaningful to me than anything else in my battles over the years. Especially my relationship with Jesus, ever faithful and patient to me. Just letting me and other sinners live is harm reduction almost incomparable with needle exchange or condom distribution, but His love goes far beyond that to save me.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
i am wrong and of these things i repent
"When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said 'Repent,' he intended that the entire life of believers should be repentance." - Martin Luther's first thesis of the 95.
I'm learning a lot about repentance these days. Over the last month, I had very little emotional energy to obey, so I have a lot of repenting to do. I guess normally this would be cause for great anxiety, but when I think about how much repenting I'll have to do for the rest of my life, I think I might just be more honest with myself than usual.
A brother asked Abba Sisoes saying, “What should I do, Abba, since I have fallen? The elder said to him “Get up again”. The brother said, “I got up again and I have fallen again”. The elder said, “Get up again and again”. Then the brother said, “Until when?” The elder said, “Until you are seized either in goodness, or in falleness. Man journeys on in the state that he was found in”.-- Abba Sisoes, Sayings of the Desert Fathers.
The Christian life isn't a 100 meter sprint, it's a marathon with hurdles. I think John Piper first said this; it certainly helps me feel better about how difficult the narrow road is. I cannot simply make a simple decision to repent and believe in Jesus; I have to wake up every morning and decide to repent & believe, slap myself in class and decide to repent & believe, come home and decide to repent & believe, and lay down in bed and decide to repent & believe. Day after day for the rest of my life.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and(B) let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."- Hebrews 12:1-3
This decision-- day after day, moment after moment-- cannot be made from willpower, from self-motivation, or even from love for others. There isn't anything in this world that can give me the motivation or the power to repent & believe as often or as long as I need to. There is only grace, and that is all I can cling to for the rest of my life.
"We are beggars! This is true."- Martin Luther's last words.
I'm learning a lot about repentance these days. Over the last month, I had very little emotional energy to obey, so I have a lot of repenting to do. I guess normally this would be cause for great anxiety, but when I think about how much repenting I'll have to do for the rest of my life, I think I might just be more honest with myself than usual.
A brother asked Abba Sisoes saying, “What should I do, Abba, since I have fallen? The elder said to him “Get up again”. The brother said, “I got up again and I have fallen again”. The elder said, “Get up again and again”. Then the brother said, “Until when?” The elder said, “Until you are seized either in goodness, or in falleness. Man journeys on in the state that he was found in”.-- Abba Sisoes, Sayings of the Desert Fathers.
The Christian life isn't a 100 meter sprint, it's a marathon with hurdles. I think John Piper first said this; it certainly helps me feel better about how difficult the narrow road is. I cannot simply make a simple decision to repent and believe in Jesus; I have to wake up every morning and decide to repent & believe, slap myself in class and decide to repent & believe, come home and decide to repent & believe, and lay down in bed and decide to repent & believe. Day after day for the rest of my life.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and(B) let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."- Hebrews 12:1-3
This decision-- day after day, moment after moment-- cannot be made from willpower, from self-motivation, or even from love for others. There isn't anything in this world that can give me the motivation or the power to repent & believe as often or as long as I need to. There is only grace, and that is all I can cling to for the rest of my life.
"We are beggars! This is true."- Martin Luther's last words.
Monday, December 1, 2008
one step program
I opened up this post after trying to think about what I wanted to say all evening, and found myself at a lack for words (and if you've hung out with me, you know that's a rare occurrence.) But it's coming back now.
Somewhere in between listening to "How Do You Keep Love Alive?" and "Lover" over and over again, I've been thinking a lot about faithfulness lately. A friend of mine and I had an argument (really, a series of arguments) about our church, the church in America, and various other things years ago and something he said has stuck with me for a while.
I can't even remember the context of our argument; I think that for the most part he was arguing that the status quo was alright and there needed to be a strong focus on good theology, teaching, and discipleship while I was a little more dissatisfied and wanted to see more theology, teaching, and discipleship applied in the realms of mercy ministry, evangelism, and social justice. Or something like that. It was a long time ago. In any case, we went back and forth and called each other linguini-spined liberals and kooky konservatives for a good long while, but I'm pretty sure that the discussion ended with him talking about how the church doesn't need more relevance or more discipleship or more social justice or more good theology (although, to some extent, it does need those things, but that is not the subject of this post.) My dear friend pointed out that what the Church needs is grace to be faithful. And how do we do that? I could tell another long story, but I'll just share a great Derek Webb quote: "There isn't a 7-step program to living the Christian life... there's just a 1-step program: Repent and believe in Jesus Christ."
And really, isn't that what all of us need? I mostly struggle with lust, laziness, and pride; there are other sins that I know that I commit and other that I probably won't realize that I commit until I'm 40, but for right now it's those three that hurt me and hurt others around me the most.
So I have a choice: I can live by the law and die, or I can live by grace. I know Jesus has forgiven my sin, but how I go about living sinlessly can follow two different paths. I could beat myself up about how I give into lust in various ways, read comic books and blogs instead of working, and say things to other people just to make me feel better about myself. I could read stories in the Bible about how Jesus was holy, hardworking, and humble and make myself measure up to Him. That might work-- it has in the past, and plenty of Christians live by that.
But that isn't the Gospel. It's legalism. The Gospel is harder, more painful, and more costly-- but it is richer, truer, and far more beautiful. Tim Keller puts it like this (in the context of preaching, but you get the gist):
In every text of the Scripture there is somehow a moral principle. It may grow out of because of what it shows us about the character of God or Christ, or out of either the good or bad example of characters in the text, or because of explicit commands, promises, and warnings. This moral principle must be distilled clearly. But then a crisis is created in the hearers as the preacher shows that his moral principle creates insurmountable problems. The sermon shows how this practical and moral obligation is impossible to meet. The hearers are led to a seemingly dead end. Then a hidden door opens and light comes in. The sermon moves both into worship and into Christ-application when it shows how only Jesus Christ has fulfilled this. If the text is a narrative, you can show how Christ is the ultimate example of a particular character. If the text is didactic, you can show how Christ is the ultimate embodiment of the principle. Finally, we show how our inability to live as we ought stems from our rejection of Christ as the Way, Truth, and Life (or whatever the theme is). The sermon points out how to repent and rejoice in Christ in such a way that we can live as we ought.
So I need to repent and believe in Jesus; and as Keller goes on to explain, I need to dissect why I am lustful, lazy, and prideful. I'll use laziness as an example. When it's about 1:00 in the afternoon and I've finished lunch, I've got a choice: I can start working or I can start fooling around. I need study breaks, but I probably don't need to take one right after lunch. Now, I could say to myself, "Self, laziness is bad and you're being lazy. Jesus wasn't lazy, you lazy prick. You know that you ought to study because if you don't pass this class you'll never be a doctor and can't help starving African children. And God will be unhappy with you." And maybe some people need to hear a message like that. But what I need to say to myself is really: "Self, you don't trust that God will sustain you through your studying and that you won't be happy with what He wants you to do right now. So you'll settle for something lame like checking your RSS feed for the tenth time in the afternoon just so that you can have control of your feelings. You are lazy and you run away from the work you have to do, but Jesus went to His work on the cross for you so that you don't have to be lazy anymore. If you can trust Him and believe in His power in your life, you will be eminently more satisfied in holiness and you'll have way more time for the good things you want to do, like reading." So there I have my choice, and I'll tell you that beating myself up for being a lazy person doesn't help. Because I am a lazy person, but if my trust is in Christ I can live beyond what I am right now and instead live in who He wants me to be and who He's transforming me into.
And on and on it goes. Tim Keller gives more succinct examples, but that was the best one I could think of that didn't involve masturbation (my grandmother reads this sometimes and I don't think she particularly wants to read about why I masturbate; I guess if that example wasn't clear enough to you, you can always e-mail me and I'll give you some better examples.) But here it is: repentance & believing in Jesus, powered by grace. Over a long enough time, that becomes faithfulness. And if every Christian got up every day and lived a faithful life like that, I don't think we'd need to talk about the Need for Social Justice or the Crisis of Discipleship or Failing Families or Those Evil Liberals because the world would be a different place. Today is World AIDS Day, and if you don't know much about AIDS, for Christ's sake learn something about it! I thought about doing a special post on AIDS for the day, but I think this post is probably more important for how I deal with AIDS and I hope it might be for you, too.
I know that my life is different because of Jesus. My prayer is that yours will be, too.
Somewhere in between listening to "How Do You Keep Love Alive?" and "Lover" over and over again, I've been thinking a lot about faithfulness lately. A friend of mine and I had an argument (really, a series of arguments) about our church, the church in America, and various other things years ago and something he said has stuck with me for a while.
I can't even remember the context of our argument; I think that for the most part he was arguing that the status quo was alright and there needed to be a strong focus on good theology, teaching, and discipleship while I was a little more dissatisfied and wanted to see more theology, teaching, and discipleship applied in the realms of mercy ministry, evangelism, and social justice. Or something like that. It was a long time ago. In any case, we went back and forth and called each other linguini-spined liberals and kooky konservatives for a good long while, but I'm pretty sure that the discussion ended with him talking about how the church doesn't need more relevance or more discipleship or more social justice or more good theology (although, to some extent, it does need those things, but that is not the subject of this post.) My dear friend pointed out that what the Church needs is grace to be faithful. And how do we do that? I could tell another long story, but I'll just share a great Derek Webb quote: "There isn't a 7-step program to living the Christian life... there's just a 1-step program: Repent and believe in Jesus Christ."
And really, isn't that what all of us need? I mostly struggle with lust, laziness, and pride; there are other sins that I know that I commit and other that I probably won't realize that I commit until I'm 40, but for right now it's those three that hurt me and hurt others around me the most.
So I have a choice: I can live by the law and die, or I can live by grace. I know Jesus has forgiven my sin, but how I go about living sinlessly can follow two different paths. I could beat myself up about how I give into lust in various ways, read comic books and blogs instead of working, and say things to other people just to make me feel better about myself. I could read stories in the Bible about how Jesus was holy, hardworking, and humble and make myself measure up to Him. That might work-- it has in the past, and plenty of Christians live by that.
But that isn't the Gospel. It's legalism. The Gospel is harder, more painful, and more costly-- but it is richer, truer, and far more beautiful. Tim Keller puts it like this (in the context of preaching, but you get the gist):
In every text of the Scripture there is somehow a moral principle. It may grow out of because of what it shows us about the character of God or Christ, or out of either the good or bad example of characters in the text, or because of explicit commands, promises, and warnings. This moral principle must be distilled clearly. But then a crisis is created in the hearers as the preacher shows that his moral principle creates insurmountable problems. The sermon shows how this practical and moral obligation is impossible to meet. The hearers are led to a seemingly dead end. Then a hidden door opens and light comes in. The sermon moves both into worship and into Christ-application when it shows how only Jesus Christ has fulfilled this. If the text is a narrative, you can show how Christ is the ultimate example of a particular character. If the text is didactic, you can show how Christ is the ultimate embodiment of the principle. Finally, we show how our inability to live as we ought stems from our rejection of Christ as the Way, Truth, and Life (or whatever the theme is). The sermon points out how to repent and rejoice in Christ in such a way that we can live as we ought.
So I need to repent and believe in Jesus; and as Keller goes on to explain, I need to dissect why I am lustful, lazy, and prideful. I'll use laziness as an example. When it's about 1:00 in the afternoon and I've finished lunch, I've got a choice: I can start working or I can start fooling around. I need study breaks, but I probably don't need to take one right after lunch. Now, I could say to myself, "Self, laziness is bad and you're being lazy. Jesus wasn't lazy, you lazy prick. You know that you ought to study because if you don't pass this class you'll never be a doctor and can't help starving African children. And God will be unhappy with you." And maybe some people need to hear a message like that. But what I need to say to myself is really: "Self, you don't trust that God will sustain you through your studying and that you won't be happy with what He wants you to do right now. So you'll settle for something lame like checking your RSS feed for the tenth time in the afternoon just so that you can have control of your feelings. You are lazy and you run away from the work you have to do, but Jesus went to His work on the cross for you so that you don't have to be lazy anymore. If you can trust Him and believe in His power in your life, you will be eminently more satisfied in holiness and you'll have way more time for the good things you want to do, like reading." So there I have my choice, and I'll tell you that beating myself up for being a lazy person doesn't help. Because I am a lazy person, but if my trust is in Christ I can live beyond what I am right now and instead live in who He wants me to be and who He's transforming me into.
And on and on it goes. Tim Keller gives more succinct examples, but that was the best one I could think of that didn't involve masturbation (my grandmother reads this sometimes and I don't think she particularly wants to read about why I masturbate; I guess if that example wasn't clear enough to you, you can always e-mail me and I'll give you some better examples.) But here it is: repentance & believing in Jesus, powered by grace. Over a long enough time, that becomes faithfulness. And if every Christian got up every day and lived a faithful life like that, I don't think we'd need to talk about the Need for Social Justice or the Crisis of Discipleship or Failing Families or Those Evil Liberals because the world would be a different place. Today is World AIDS Day, and if you don't know much about AIDS, for Christ's sake learn something about it! I thought about doing a special post on AIDS for the day, but I think this post is probably more important for how I deal with AIDS and I hope it might be for you, too.
I know that my life is different because of Jesus. My prayer is that yours will be, too.
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